Change Management
Why it matters for all parents (to be) - and how I got it all wrong
In the business world, change management is a term that’s well-known and often used. Any decent leader knows that you need to manage and facilitate any kind of change that affects people and the way they do their jobs. For a major transformation, companies spend massive sums for external consultants to help plan & facilitate every aspect of the change – because if they don’t, the process will be a mess, and the new “end state” will not end up working.
And yet, in our personal lives, one of the biggest changes a person can go through is expected to just “sort itself out”. You are about to transition from being a person who is truly responsible only for their own life - to a parent, who also carries the responsibility for the life of at least one other human being. The fact that this will mean major change in pretty much every area of life should come as no surprise. So how come we think that preparing ourselves for the birth of said child(ren) is often the only preparation we deem necessary – aside from practical matters surrounding diapers, cribs and the like – for parents to be? At this point in my life, I find it shocking how we close our eyes to the realities of this transition. My shock is even more pronounced because I handled it exactly like that when I was about to be a mother for the first time. And, even more disturbingly, not all that differently when that first kid was about to be joined by not one, but two, siblings almost 3 years later.
I can now confirm that this was NOT a great way into & through the whole thing. Therefore, I propose a “change management” approach to this transition – consisting of 3 stages that this shares in common with any major change process:
1. Letting go of “The Old”
When managing a change in a professional setting, or any setting for that matter, it’s important to first round off the phase that is about to be replaced by something new. In this context, that means finding a way to consciously say goodbye to the stage of your life that is about to end. If you are expecting your first child, this means spending some time – alone and/or with your partner – to appreciate what you had, and to “grieve” the ending of it. I know that grief is a difficult word – but honestly, it’s an emotion that IS part of any major change we go through. And if we don’t acknowledge that fact, and call it what it is, we will have a more difficult time moving through it. Hopefully, the fact that your family will soon be growing is cause for elation and celebration. And yet, in the middle of all that, you can still make some space to consciously bid farewell to the part of your life that is coming to an end.
Practically, this can look however you want it to look. You can just think or talk about the nice things you have to look back on, for yourself or in your partnership. You can find or create a ritual that will help you let go of that phase, and give it the proper appreciation. For me, this is the one part I kind of “got right”. In my case, that just meant allowing the tears to fall one day late in my first pregnancy. And explaining to my husband that indeed it was wonderful that our first child was about to be born – and yet, I also needed to have permission to spend a few moments being sad that the “couple life” we had shared thus far, full of love and adventure, was coming to an end. It doesn’t need to be much, or take up much time & space - but consciously letting go will always help when we are transitioning into something new.
2. Allowing space for “The Void”
In change management, there is often talk of an uncomfortable void in between - when the old is no longer, and the new is not yet fully established and defined, let alone refined. In the context of growing your family, this means allowing for, and expecting, a period of adjustment when the transition happens. Between the happy expectant parent and all they were & did before the arrival of their child(ren), and the doting parent who feels comfortable and at home in that role, there is often a period that can feel a bit awkward. For any mother who gave birth to the new family member(s), this will be exacerbated by the fact that you body & hormones will be in turmoil for quite a while following the birth.
The old is no more, but the new does not yet fit comfortably, either. It takes time to settle into life as a new parent, to establish routines, and to get to know your new little family member(s), who bring their own personality into the mix from day one. In this stage, I believe the most important thing is not to panic because it doesn’t feel like you imagined it would, because it’s not as smooth as you hoped it would be, or anything else – much of which usually has more to do with your (societally & culturally shaped) expectations than with the reality you are now finding yourself in. Giving some space for the uncomfortable feeling of “not-yet-arrived” can make a big difference. And knowing that this is a normal part of any transition can, I think, be hugely helpful in putting that into practice.
Personally, I chose instead to fully embrace society’s expectations of how I should feel, look & function in the world now that I was a mother. I tried my hardest and yet, way too many months later, when I was diagnosed with depression, my overwhelming feeling, next to shame, was relief. Finally, a reason for why I was struggling so much, why I cried so often while looking at my son play, simply because I felt so terrible that he had me as his mother. I had to learn the hard way – not just once, but again after the birth of our twins, when another 1.5-year bout of depression followed. I’m sure that is why I feel such a sense of urgency about this information reaching as many moms and parents to-be as possible. You don’t need to take that path. There is a better, smoother, healthier way to enter into & go through this massive transition. And, as always, there is only strength in asking for help in this process.
1. Consciously designing “The New”
Once the transition to a new state is complete, it’s vital not to assume it’ll all work itself out. Instead, this is a phase during which leaders need to keep learning, adjusting & communicating, and stay open and vulnerable to the highs & lows of that process, for “the new” to be successfully integrated into existing structures. Once things settle a bit, physically & hormonally as well as “logistically”, and you feel that you can think reasonably straight again, try to figure out how you can make this work for you. There is no job description for parents, no blueprint for navigating parenting within your pre-existing relationship. Often, we find this frustrating, we wish there was some clear guidance to help us along this often rocky path. But instead, you can try to see it as an opportunity. We each get to define what parenthood means to us, what is important to us, and how we want to work together in this new family constellation. This will not be a quick or smooth process, in most cases. It takes time, attention, and a lot of trial and error to find a path that works for you & your family. Adjustments will have to be made, regularly & continuously.
And yet, if we can find a way to embrace this as a new phase of our life – for which we always hold 100% of the responsibility – we can try to approach it in a way that is focused on finding and implementing solutions that work for us. How you parent needs to make sense only to you and your co-parent – what exactly that means in terms of the sharing of responsibilities, childcare outside the immediate family, work in & outside the house, and everything else, is for you to determine. I know, it still sounds like a lot – and it is. But let’s not forget: what you are “designing” is your future, as well as the future of your child(ren). So that deserves a ton of conscious thought, honest & vulnerable conversations, and openness to trying and failing along the way.
The good news is: you don’t need to figure this out alone - while comparing yourself to other parents, around you & online, who seem to have it all figured out. You, your children, your family, are worth investing some time & energy, and whatever other resources are needed – in order to find a way that will allow each member of said family to thrive. For me, investing in therapy and coaching over several years paid off in a big way. I still look back wishing that I had done some of that work before having my children, and sometimes I feel guilty that I couldn’t be there for them in a different way from the start. At this point, though, I feel mostly gratitude for the journey I was able to go on – also thanks to being privileged enough to have access to so many resources – and for where I am today. Being able to pass on some of the lessons I had to learn the hard way is a wonderful part of that.
I know that many new parents could be spared the kind of anguish I, and my family, went through. If we all started to be more open about our struggles surrounding (new) parenthood and stopped judging each other for making different choices, we would all be better off. Instead, let’s uplift one another and cheer for every mom who finds her way to a fulfilled, happy, connected life. A life in which she is not defined merely by the role she plays in her family – but gets to be a full, complex human being whose first responsibility is to take care of her own needs. Not because she is selfish, but because that’s a prerequisite for her to even be available to take care of anyone else in a sustainable way.
